


Pocket Full of Fun

by TimmyJaybird



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: I failed miserably, I tried humor, I'm not funny, M/M, and neither is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-09 23:05:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1151871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimmyJaybird/pseuds/TimmyJaybird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce ends up with a pocket sized Joker thanks to some help from Zatanna. But the headache involved is anything <i>but</i> small.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pocket Full of Fun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Iship_lover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iship_lover/gifts).



> Iship_lover gave me the prompt/request on Tumblr of a pocket sized Joker. I thought humor would be a fun route to take this. Instead of funny, I got a mess. I'm sorta sorry to everyone for this.

Bruce reached up and pulled his jacket open a bit, looking at his inner pocket as a tiny head popped out, completed with messy green curls.

“Some _air_ would be nice,” the Joker complained, gasping for breath. Bruce looked around quickly, before he stopped walking.

“Sorry,” he said, “But you’ve gotta stay hidden. We have to get somewhere secure before Zatanna’s spell wears off and you...grow.” The Joker rolled his eyes, clutching at the rim of the pocket.

“Of all the ways to smuggle me outta Penguin’s hands,” he said, “ _this_ is what you used? Couldn’t come in and be my dark knight in black armor? Throw a few batarangs, punch a few guys, and whisk me away?”

“No,” Bruce said, “you know I can’t. Batman can’t be associated with the Joker.”

“Fiiiiine.” He sighed. “Walk faster, though. Can’t you call Jeeves for a ride?”

“I already did. He’ll meet us a block up.” He pulled his jacket closed, forcing the Joker to fall back into the pocket as he picked up his pace.

They wouldn’t be in this mess if the Joker hadn’t been a cocky asshole, but Bruce wouldn’t expect anything less from him. He’s gone off on Penguin about who-knows-what, ending with attempting to act like a mentally challenged penguin, insinuating that was what Oswald was. He ended up knocked unconscious and locked away in one of the Penguin’s casinos. Bruce had had to sneak in and smuggle him out, but he couldn’t do it as Batman, couldn’t tarnish that name with the Joker.

He’d been desperate, and when he’d heard that Zatanna was in town briefly, he’d gone to her. All he’d said was he needed to smuggle someone out of somewhere discretely, and while she’d given him that look of question, she’s given him a small pouch of powder, told him to dust it over the person, and they’d shrink for about an hour. Small enough to fit in his pocket. Small enough to smuggle out of anywhere.

It had been about forty minutes, by his count. He had twenty minutes to get a pick up from Alfred and get somewhere secure. The Penguin must have noticed he was missing already, which meant Bruce needed to get back to the manor post haste, where he’d be safe.

As he had said, Alfred was a block away. Bruce slipped into the car and sighed as it began moving, letting his head slump back.

“Success, Master Wayne?”

“For now.” He pulled his jacket open and the Joker crawled out, flopping down onto his chest, gasping for air.

“Jeeves, this man tried to kill me!” He screamed, and Alfred chuckled at his tiny voice. The Joker puffed his cheeks out, frowning, and slid down Bruce’s chest and stomach, clutching onto his belt. “I’ll get you back for this, Bruce.”

“I saved your ass,” Bruce said, rolling his eyes, “Can’t you just be a little thankful?”

The Joker opened his mouth to speak, when Alfred hit a bump, and he was jostled. He lost his grip on Bruce’s belt and fell down onto his crotch, holding onto the fabric and the flesh beneath to keep form falling to the seat, or worse, the floor. Bruce jumped a little, stared down at him wide eyed, and when the ride and smoothed out, the Joker grinned and laughed.

“It’s dick mountain!” he cried out, and Bruce felt his cheeks go red. He saw Alfred shoot him a glance back, and he quickly gathered the man up, letting him sit in his palm.

“Hush,” he said, “You’re a brat, you know that?” He grinned and kicked his legs, giggling.

“You always were blessed, Bats,” he said with a wink, “But with me this tiny, God it’s almost terrifying. How about we have a little fun before-“

“Absolutely not!” Bruce said, “I’ll put you back in my pocket if you don’t shut up.” The Joker pouted, folding his arms, but set nothing. Bruce kept him in his hand as traffic slowed. After sitting on the same block for quite some time, he asked Alfred for the time.

“Five after ten, sir,” he said, and Bruce raised an eyebrow. No, that had to be wrong. The spell was supposed to wear off at about nine fifty seven, nearly ten minutes ago.

“Bats?” the Joker asked not liking the look on his face. Bruce looked down at him.

“We might have a problem,” he started.

Bruce wasn’t sure how the entire city didn’t hear the Joker screaming. Sure, he was tiny now, but his voice carried, to the point that even Alfred was grimacing at the ache in his ears.

“What do you mean I might be stuck like this!” He screamed, standing up in Bruce’s palm. “Bruce fucking Wayne, you fix this _right now_. I can’t be the Clown Prince of Pocket Sized Crime! What am I goin’ to do, steal pocket lint?” He paced, leaned against Bruce’s arm. “Go find your magician girl and get her to change me back.”

“Zatanna is across town,” Bruce said, “It’ll be late-“

“I don’t care!” The Joker jumped up, pointing a finger at him. “I’m not going to be your fucking _polly pocket_ , Brucie. Wake the damn bitch up, I don’t care. Just get me back to normal.” Bruce sighed and leaned forward, asking Alfred to, when he got the chance, get them en route to Zatanna’s hotel.

Bruce was sure the Joker was going to give him a migraine well before they got there. He had settled on Bruce’s shoulder and was chattering about all the horrible things he’s do if Bruce didn’t get him back to his normal size-

“Chew holes in your socks, unravel the hems of all your underwear,” he was saying, counting on his fingers, “Hell, we’ll never have sex again, that’s for sure.”

Bruce tensed when he thought on that, before he called out to Alfred to get them there _ASAP_. The Joker howled with laughter, telling Bruce he was, “such a slut underneath that prude mask.”

Once at the hotel, Bruce asked Alfred to stay in the car, slipped the Joker back into his pocket, and waited impatiently in the elevator as it climbed up towards the fifteenth floor. Once there, he made his way down the hall and knocked on the door he remembered belonged to Zatanna. When he didn’t hear movement he knocked again, and again, and again, just one continuous sound-

Until she opened the door, frowning. When she saw it was him the frown stayed, but her eyes looked confused. “Bruce?”

“Something’s wrong,” he said, opening his jacket and reaching for the Joker. He felt a few loose things in his pocket, and when he fished the Joker out he was completely naked. “Joker, what-“

“Thought I’d make this, as, more embarrassing for you.” He looked at Zatanna and grinned, and her eyes darted from him to Bruce.

“Bruce, did you-“

“I had to!” He said, “Penguin had him, he was going to have him skinned and quartered and worse if I didn’t do something.”

“But...why?”

“Because Brucie’s got clown fever!” the Joker said, laying on his stomach on Bruce’s palm and kicking his legs. “He couldn’t stand the thought of spending _one single night_ without a fix. The only reason we got here in decent time is because I mentioned we can’t _bump uglies_ if I’m this small.”

“Zatanna, please,” Bruce said, “I’ll explain some other time. Can you change him back?” She folded her arms, sighing.

“Of course I can. And so can you-“

“You said it wears off in an hour, but he didn’t-“

“No, you idiot,” she said, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “It loses its potency within an hour. Up until then, you can’t change the subject back. After that point, all you have to do is splash some saltwater on them, and they’ll be fine.” She walked away, digging into her purse, pulling out a small container. She opened it, carried it to the bathroom, and came back with a glass she was stirring with her finger. Bruce crouched down and set the Joker on the floor. “Close your eyes,” she said, and she dumped half the glass on him. He coughed, muttering curses, and Zatanna returned her attention to Bruce. “Really, of all people Bruce, the Joker? You coulnd’t find _someone_ more suitable?”

“Like who?”

“Half the bloody justice league?” She sighed. “They’re going to have a field day with this.”

“No,” Bruce said, “Because they won’t know. You can’t tell a soul.”

“Why not? Bruce, this is absurd, you need help if you’re turning to that monster! What’s to stop me-“

“That, sweetheart, would be me.” Both turned, met a pair of green, glimmering eyes. The Joker was grinning, cracking his neck and rotating his shoulders. He was soaked from head to toe, and still completely naked. Bruce noticed, his cheeks tinging just a slight shade of pink. “You won’t tell anyone about Brucie baby and I, and I’ll let you keep your tongue. And your face.”

“You don’t scare me!” She said, glaring at him. He chuckled.

“Really?” He took a step forward, leaning in, and she jerked back. A moment passed, and she waved her hand, scowling.

“Fine! Fine! Bruce, just take him and go. This is the last favor I do for you outside the league. And you really need help if you find...that...attractive.” The Joker grinned, winked at her, and grabbed a towel from her bed, tossing it around his waist as they walked out.

“She helped you,” Bruce said as they hurried to the elevator. “You didn’t need to be a jerk.”

“She would’ve told your little super friends if I hadn’t been,” he pointed out as they stepped on. “Can you imagine trying to explain that to Superman? Oh, Brucie, I’m sure he’d love it. Then again, you’re all probably fairly fucked up, so maybe he’d be up for a threesome. I could go for being sandwiched between two tall, dark, and handsome men-“

“Shut up,” Bruce mumbled, hating the way he was so openly talking about sex with _another_ man. Even if Bruce was involved. “I think I liked you when I could stuff you in my pocket.”

The Joker rolled his eyes and walked past him, smacking the _stop_ button. The elevator halted and the Joker tossed his towel away, grinning.

“Then let me remind you,” he said with a lick of his lips, “Why you _actually_ prefer me like this.”

Bruce stared, did a quick mental calculation as to how they’d have before someone worried about the elevator, then decided _to hell with it_ , and resigned himself to reminding the Joker he didn’t need a threesome with some metahuman. He just needed a dose of Batman and he’d be satiated for days.


End file.
